October 11th, 2008

jaejoong

kiss 16

Jaejoong clung to Yunho in his sleep, tucked snugly and tightly against the taller man’s body. Even in sleep, his grip was solid and hard to remove. Yunho didn’t mind, having long accepted and gotten used to the way Jaejoong was, only wishing there were something more that Yunho could say or do to make things better for his lover.

Yunho was not a braggart, nor one to be too impressed with himself. But he did have a measure of pride in who he was and a confidence in his abilities, and a satisfaction with what he had become.

So it was hard for him, sometimes, to figure out why Jaejoong lacked that. He always had, really. Maybe it was because he was part of such a large family, and felt the need to distinguish and prove himself. Maybe it was because of his looks, and people’s tendency to look only at his face and not take the time to see who he really was. Whatever it was, Jaejoong was strangely lacking in self confidence, despite everything.

Yunho and the others tried to reassure him best they could. But when the adoration of thousands of fans and the undying love and affection of four very good friends were not enough to prove to Jaejoong he was a wonderful person, it would seem that there was nothing that could.

Jaejoong craved confirmation of his worth, worried constantly about his abilities and, even more frustratingly, constantly put himself down in small ways. It had gotten slightly better as the years went on, but it seemed like there was some underlying part of Jaejoong’s personality that would not accept that Jaejoong was worthy, was a great singer, a fantastic friend and an amazing human being.

Often, there would be periods when it was barely noticeable, and Jaejoong seemed to be happy with himself. And then, other times, self-doubt seemed to near cripple him, with every little mistake he made seeming like the end of Jaejoong’s world.

When Jaejoong had crawled into his bed that night, Yunho knew it was one of those times.

Jaejoong talked a lot, spouting nonsense and his random, strange thoughts, but much of the time, he actually said very little. You had to read his body language, watch his eyes, and really pay attention if you wanted to find out what he was actually saying. Yunho had become adept at that, and so when Jaejoong had begun to ramble, eyes shuttered and looking off to the side, Yunho had pulled him close and kissed him.

There was something bordering on desperate in the way Jaejoong returned the kiss, clinging to Yunho like he was about to slip away. His body lent into Yunho’s, giving away all of himself into the kiss and embrace.

It was written in every atom of Jaejoong’s being, a plea that Yunho heard all to clearly… love me love me love me please be happy please let me be enough please love me…

Words alone could never answer such an entreaty, and so Yunho simply drew him closer and kissed him again, deeply and lovingly. He wrapped Jaejoong in his embrace, trying to soothe the singer’s soul with his touch, trying to convey the feelings that Yunho could not express in clear enough nor strong enough words for Jaejoong to actually believe them.

I love you I love you I love you